Doing It DoggyWhat Now?
by browniehaze
Summary: Mr. Bae and Aunt Lauren decide to give Derek and Chloe "The Talk", but make a big mistake by having Tori and Simon part of the conversation. Everything goes wrong. Poor Derek... After The Reckoning


**~A/N: First Darkest Powers fanfic, so I'm gonna start off with a one-shot!**

**Disclaimer: I don't any of these obviously abused characters**

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Doing It Doggy_-What?_

**Chloe's POV**

I walked into the kitchen part of the hotel and sat down at the table happily. Derek and I have been together for 2 months now, and it's been absolutely amazing. Okay, we fight _sometimes_, but it usually ends in us kissing and making up.

_**It's because you can't resist those puppy-dog eyes of his whenever he's sad**_**.** Oh shut up**. **_**Just saying…**__**You are head-over-heels for him, you know**__._ Yeah, yeah, I know. _**I told you so!**_ Bite me.

However, even though I hate to admit it, my inner self has been telling me that I like him ever since he's started "changing". _**You've got that right.**_ Don't rub it in!

Everyone walked into the kitchen, including my man, and started rustling around the kitchen for food. Derek came up behind me and hugged me from behind. "Is this where you've been all afternoon? I've been looking for you."

I leaned back and looked into his wonderful green eyes. "Oh? What for?"

"No reason in particular." he mumbled before kissing me Spiderman-style and sitting down next to me.

"Is it possible that you two can keep that to yourselves?" Tori complained from the cabinet. Although, even though her words were meant to hurt, I could hear and see the smile on her lips. "You guys have been fluffier than ever. I feel like I'm suffocating."

"Well it's about time you suffocated." Simon muttered as he sat down with a granola bar across from Derek and me.

"Be nice," Mr. Bae murmured to Simon before sitting next to him. And then, a little louder, he said, "I actually would like to talk to you two."

"Huh?" Derek and I chorused.

"Would you like us to leave?" Tori asked.

"Actually," Aunt Lauren chimed in as she sat on the other side of me with a granola bar, "this sort of pertains to all of you. Although, it specifically pertains to Derek and Chloe…"

_**Uh oh.**_ Tell me about it.

Tori sat down on the other side of Mr. Bae with a bowl of Cheerios without the milk. "What's this about?"

"Um…" Mr. Bae murmured awkwardly. And then he looked directly at Derek and me and smile sheepishly. He pulled something out of his pocket and set it on the table. What it was nearly gave me a heart attack.

It was a large condom in the golden Trojan packet.

"You two have become pretty serious," he said sternly. "I think it's about time Lauren and I give you two… _the talk_."

"Oh dear God…" Derek muttered beside me. I peered up at him and saw that his face was literally red with embarrassment. "Dad… this isn't really… necessary…"

"Yeah," I chimed in. "I've already gotten the talk and I already know all about… um… _condoms_─"

"Yes, we know." Aunt Lauren interrupted. "But when I gave you the talk, Chloe, you weren't _in_ a relationship. But you are now, and I see the way you two look at each other…"

"Um," Simon stifled a laugh, "how do they look at each other?"

"I think it's _applied_, Simon." Derek growled beside me, somehow even more red. It took me a moment to realize what Aunt Lauren meant.

"We weren't planning on having sex, Aunt Lauren!" I blurted. I regretted it instantly. The tiny room became silent, though my ears were ringing. Aw crap.

"So you _don't_ want to have sex with Derek?" Tori giggled.

I felt Derek's eyes on me and started to fret. "No, no! I didn't mean it like that! I _do_ want to have sex with Derek─" I clamped my mouth shut, but it was way too late. Tori was already rolling on the floor laughing and Simon was looking awfully deep in thought. Beside me, I felt Derek stiffen.

"What she's trying to say," Derek cleared his throat, "is that we already know everything and we haven't forgotten them─"

"I don't think that condom's big enough, dad?" Simon said suddenly. "I don't think it'll fit Derek. You know, with his 'wolf-fun-sized' thing. He's like a freaking horse─"

"Simon!" Derek snapped, his face so red I thought it was going to explode. "Can you _not_ say that out loud?!"

"You don't need to be ashamed of your size, Derek." Mr. Bae said, his voice serious. "Most girls like 'em big─"

"Dad!"

"Um…" I looked away, my face honestly on fire. There were some seriously inappropriate images entering my head and it was making me dizzy. _**You know you wanna know.**_ Shut _up_!

"Back to the point," Aunt Lauren said, though her voice made it clear t hat she was laughing. "You two must remember to take things _slow_. Your first time should be special, if not romantic. Doing it in a car is not a memory you want to hold."

"Thanks for the advice." I muttered.

"And use the condom," Mr. Bae said, completely ignoring my comment. "We are on the run, and I don't want any werewolf/necromancer babies running around with us."

"Maybe we should put Chloe on birth control?" Aunt Lauren offered.

"I haven't even had _sex_ yet!" I shouted. "Please do not bring 'the pill' into this conversation!"

Tori, who had recovered from her laughing fits, began to giggle again. "You guys act like they've made it past 2nd base."

I looked away quickly, a little too quickly, at the exact same time Derek looked away. I don't know about Derek, but my face was on fire and my palms were sweaty. Last night suddenly came into mind and I couldn't help but smile a little.

It was silent for a moment before Tori stopped giggling and gasped. "You guys have gone to 3rd base?! Holy hell! No wonder you two are getting the talk!"

"All four of you are getting the talk." Mr. Bae said, although he was staring at Derek distractedly.

Suddenly, Simon started cracking up laughing. He fell to the floor holding his stomach and he was practically in tears.

"What's so funny?" Derek grumbled.

Simon pulled himself back into his chair, though he was still laughing. "Nothing, I just thought of something really funny."

"What was it?" I asked curiously.

"Two words," Simon snickered. "Doggy. Style."

"Ha!" Tori chortled on the floor. Derek snarled at Simon beside me, though his face was still very red. Aunt Lauren gasped before laughing with Tori. And Mr. Bae… he was trying his best not to crack up laughing but he was failing miserably.

"You guys are immature." Derek muttered.

I tugged on Derek's shirt, making him look at me. "What's doggy-style? I sit some type of dog preference?"

Derek stared at me in shock and embarrassment as everyone around us fell to the floor laughing. Even Mr. Bae was laughing so hard that he was crying. Simon was the first to recover, though he was still laughing. "Go ahead, tell her."

"Um…" Derek looked away and bit his lip. "It's… a sex position."

"_Doggy_-style?!" I gasped. "What kind of position is that?"

"I'm sure Derek will show you one day," Tori laughed as she sat back in her seat. "What, with his _dog_ reflexes and what now."

"Shut the hell up, Tori." Derek growled, though the sting wasn't exactly there. He looked too distracted. "Chloe… um… you know how dogs mate?"

"Yeah… they mount on top of their lover and… O-O-Oh my!" I let go of Derek's shirt and fell backwards out of my seat. Derek was going to help me up, but I stood up quickly and ran out of the room feeling too dizzy for words.

_**You know you want some**_. SHUT UP! _**There's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's only natural.**_ What's only natural?_** Your sexual feelings**_. Go away. _**Can't.**_

I went into one of the bedrooms and fell onto the bed. I stuffed my face into the pillows and tried my best to tune out the laughing from the other room. Although, the embarrassment wasn't what was killing me.

It was the burning curiosity.

Mr. Bae sucks at giving talks. I'll have to remember that.


End file.
